Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Why do I feel like this?

  I have really felt like crap for a few days now. I don't know what is going on with me, but I feel even more tired than normal, have had dizziness and tinnitus in both ears for about a week now.  I will be going to my doctor next week, hopefully. It has been since July since I have had a chance to see him, since I have no insurance.
 I need to update my Dr. as to how I am feeling lately, and hopefully he will be able to send something to my disability lawyer stating that he feels I am no longer able to work, since this should help my case immensely.
 I had a great idea as to what to do for my birthday this year, hope fully it goes well. I am planning to have a charity birthday party, and instead of receiving gifts, I would like everyone to give, whatever they can afford, to www.apsfa.org which is the Antiphospholipid Syndrome Foundation of America. I would wish that everyone could donate something, whether it be $1 or $100, whatever you can afford.

 My brain doesn't work anymore, its like a huge part of who I thought I was is gone. I can't think straight, or remember anything anymore. I can not spell, or sometimes even make a coherent sentence. I pass out, sometimes without warning. I get dizzy from standing, or at least really tired quickly. My personality has changed, as my wife has pointed out to me. I have also noticed that I have a temper now, which I never had before.
I don't really have much to say today, just felt like I needed to say something.

                       I have APS, APS does not have me.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Life is....

 Life is so different to me now...I get it. I understand how fragile it can be. Sometimes, it isn't so clear, it all goes by without much thought. I get it.
 I cherish the time I have been given, time for my wife, time for my chidren. Time for me. Everything can be gone in the twinkle of eye, or it can drag on and on...it just depends on your outlook.
 I don't know how long I have, but I have never tried to convince myself I will live to be 100. APS will take me. I will fight it, but it will win eventually. It will take me when I don't have the strength to fight back.
 Right now, I can fight back, right now I have the strength. But I can not promise that tomorrow. I can not fight forever. I can promise I will help anyone that I can in the same fight as me. With information, support, a hug or smile. I know why I am here, on this Earth, to spread awareness about APS and help those suffering silently to cope. I will not stay silent. I will not just lie here and die. I will not follow a doctors word blindly.
 I am not crazy, it is not in my head. APS is real, and so are the symptoms..and not just clotting and miscarriages! APS is not just a womens disease. Women are diagnosed more often, but only because miscarriages is one of the only ways any doctor even thinks of checking for APS. Men have it, but we die before we get diagnosed. CAPS is mostly diagnosed during autopsy after multiple organ failure for no know reason.
 I will fight, untill my last breathe.
                    I have APS, APS does not have me.