Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Life is....

 Life is so different to me now...I get it. I understand how fragile it can be. Sometimes, it isn't so clear, it all goes by without much thought. I get it.
 I cherish the time I have been given, time for my wife, time for my chidren. Time for me. Everything can be gone in the twinkle of eye, or it can drag on and just depends on your outlook.
 I don't know how long I have, but I have never tried to convince myself I will live to be 100. APS will take me. I will fight it, but it will win eventually. It will take me when I don't have the strength to fight back.
 Right now, I can fight back, right now I have the strength. But I can not promise that tomorrow. I can not fight forever. I can promise I will help anyone that I can in the same fight as me. With information, support, a hug or smile. I know why I am here, on this Earth, to spread awareness about APS and help those suffering silently to cope. I will not stay silent. I will not just lie here and die. I will not follow a doctors word blindly.
 I am not crazy, it is not in my head. APS is real, and so are the symptoms..and not just clotting and miscarriages! APS is not just a womens disease. Women are diagnosed more often, but only because miscarriages is one of the only ways any doctor even thinks of checking for APS. Men have it, but we die before we get diagnosed. CAPS is mostly diagnosed during autopsy after multiple organ failure for no know reason.
 I will fight, untill my last breathe.
                    I have APS, APS does not have me.


  1. ditto....Very well said. I removed my original post because I wanted to add more. You are so young to be dealing with this crap. I'm 19 years older than you, so I didn't have to think about this stuff at your age, although I wasn't starting to have problems that young. But I wasn't diagnosed until I was 41, by then things were at crisis mode. It's great to have some young energy around. You are right, APS doesn't have you. Try and keep it that way! You post hit me right between the eyes, because I did face APS taking my life just a few weeks ago. Blood clots in my lungs began hemmoraging, and I literally was drowning in my own blood. The day before, I knew things were not good, and around 2am I found the only paper I had, which was lists of stuff to do when I got out the hospital on the reverse side. I wrote a final letter to my wife, and another to my 28 year old son. They were short, direct, and loving. I still have them, tucked in the book I was reading in the hospital. I might keep them and seal them in envelopes in my safe, because I don't think I could write them again. Best of luck to you young man, and keep on fighting.